Table of Contents

March 2025 - Dadavani - English

EDITORIAL

No Divorce, We are One Family

If Things Spoil for an Incompatible Couple, Then One of the Two Should Remain Calm

When Couples Don’t Know How to Live, They Get a Divorce

When Munbhed Happens, One Gets a Divorce

The One Who Creates a Wedge Is at Fault

If There Are Quarrels in the Home, Then Become Quarrel-Proof

After a Divorce, One Feels the Nisasa of the Children

Clear That Which Does Not Suit You

You Should Learn to Live With Whomever You Get

Not Being On Speaking Terms Means There Is a Burden

The Right Understanding of Clearing With Equanimity

How Can There Be Divorces Here!

We Are Indians, We Put Up With Each Other

The Secret to Avoiding Getting a Divorce Is Pratikraman

When the Other Person Tears, You Should Keep Mending It

Improve What Was Spoiled With Gnan

Getting Married Is a Promise to Pay

Pure Interactions in a Family

Understand the Boundary of My Family

Those Who Live as One Family Are Doing It the Right Way

With the Right Understanding, You Can Live a Life Filled With Love

Dada Fixes Things for Those Who Are Getting a Divorce

Should You Improve Her or Adjust?

Your Wife is a Counterweight

www.dadabhagwan.org

March 2025 - Dadavani - English

No Divorce, We are One Family

EDITORIAL

In the social structure of this world, due to the time cycle, in every era, differences of the prakruti (non-Self complex) are seen in the relationship between man and woman, husband and wife. In Satyug (era of the time cycle that is characterized by unity in thoughts, speech, and action), due to the simplicity of the prakruti, a husband and wife rarely had problems in life! Today in Kaliyug (the current era of the time cycle characterized by a lack of unity in thought, speech, and action), we see a lot of clashes and matbhed (divisiveness due to differences of opinions) between husband and wife every day, in every household. In general, what we see is that matbhed begins from vichaarbhed (divisiveness due to a difference of thoughts), which thenleads to munbhed (divisi veness due to differences of opinions at an extreme level where no unity and harmony can be achieved), and finally ends in divorce. In this current edition, you will get the right understanding of the causes, effects and solutions of divorce, which have been compiled from absolutely revered Dada Bhagwan’s [Dadashri’s] satsangs (spiritual discourses).

In married life, if a husband and wife cannot adjust with each other, then what should they do? Should they get a divorce? In answer to that, Dadashri says that if you are not going to get married again, then get a divorce. What assurance is there that you will get another husband or wife who is straightforward? A divorce deeply affects a child’s mental state; the parents will feel the nisasa (negative effects of the painful emotions caused to others) of the children! In fact, people get a divorce due to a sheer lack of awareness!

We are the spiritually exalted people of India; does this suit us? The people of India put up with any kind of matbhed, whereas foreigners get divorced after a single matbhed. What is the secret behind this? We have developed [spiritually] and come to be an Indian after having done pratikraman (to confess, apologize and resolve not to repeat a mistake) in the past lives, that is why we are able to put up with each other, while those who have not done pratikraman are not able to put up with each other. With pratikraman, it is possible to clear the marriage with equanimity.

Dadashri says that in ‘my family’, if one person tears [the relationship], then the other person should mend it. Despite that, if people still can’t find a solution, only then do they get divorced. However, ‘we’ give only one statement, ‘adjust everywhere’. As you have gotten married, you have given a ‘promise to pay’. What is the meaning of ‘my family’? There may be vichaarbhed in it, but there certainly would be no conflicts or interferences.

We have not learned to live as ‘my family’; we studied everything else, but should we not first learn how to interact with our wife, our husband and our children? In worldly life, only an expert, an experienced person, can teach you how to repair a puncture! In many families, preparations for a divorce are being made as people do not let go of what they have held onto due to a lack of right understanding. Dadashri has given the gift of the art of how to live a worldly life to such people. He has removed the ‘ghosts’ of matbhed and munbhed for them and brought them together. The ardent prayer is that every husband and wife let go [of their differences] as one family, learn to live with each other with love, clear ‘files’ with equanimity and progress on the path to moksha (liberation).

~ Jai Sat Chit Anand

No Divorce, We are One Family

If Things Spoil for an Incompatible Couple, Then One of the Two Should Remain Calm

Marriages end up in two ways; sometimes they prosper, sometimes they end in disaster. You got married, you got a taste of the ‘fruits’ of marriage, and now you have to remain vitaraag (free of attachment and abhorrence). This worldly life is indeed ‘sour’ but people forget that because of illusory attachment (moha). After taking a beating, the illusory attachment takes over once again. That indeed is the ‘puzzle’. If ignorance of the Self (agnan) comes to an end and one attains the Knowledge of One’s form as the Self, then that ‘puzzle’ will not bother Him. Once the Gnani Purush (One who has realized the Self and is able to do the same for others)bestows you with the Knowledge of the Self, the ‘puzzle’ is solved and You will get the seal of moksha (liberation)!

Questioner: [Generally in Kaliyug (the current era of the time cycle characterized by a lack of unity in thought, speech, and action)] ninety-nine percent of married couples are incompatible.

Dadashri: This is always the case for couples who are considered incompatible; in Kaliyug, if a couple has become incompatible, then that incompatibility will either take them to a higher life-form or to a much lower life-form. Incompatibility is capable of doing one of the two, whereas compatibility does not do that. Incompatibility will take them to a higher life-form, while compatibility will make them wander around.

Questioner: The effect of this Dushamkaal (the current era of the time cycle characterized by a lack of unity in thought, speech, and action) is such that if a couple is incompatible, then what is the possibility that they will go to a higher life-form?

Dadashri: Not much. In this era of the time cycle, more people will go to a lower life-form. So this is how all this is; this era of the time cycle is such. Only ‘we’ know how ‘we’ have won.

Questioner: Explain that to everyone. That is exactly what everyone wants to know.

Dadashri: Even now, Hirabaa bows down here and does darshan (devotional viewing) every morning. She does darshan every night, puts [Dada’s] foot on her head and then she does the vidhi (auspicious silent blessings at the feet of the Gnani). Our interaction is like this even now. Our interaction has not spoiled, has it!

What should you do if you are in an incompatible marriage? If your spouse becomes angry, then you should remain calm, even if you are the tougher one. But if your spouse becomes angry and so do you, then what is left?

Questioner: But Dada, from where can I get that kind of steadiness? When will such an understanding set in?

Dadashri: Yes, that is correct, such steadiness cannot set in [easily]. It is because such an understanding has not set in that all this ‘stock’ [people] is headed to a lower life-form!

When Couples Don’t Know How to Live, They Get a Divorce

Questioner: If a husband and wife are not able to adjust with each other, what should they do? Should they get a divorce?

Dadashri: If they cannot adjust, and if they try adjusting but are not able to, then things will spoil for both of them. Instead, they should get a divorce. Do any of your friends have this situation?

Questioner: Yes.

Dadashri: This Kaliyug is such that one has to get a divorce. It is because he doesn’t know how to live as a human.

Questioner: But instead of suffering mentally every day and fighting, what if they get a divorce?

Dadashri: They can get a divorce, but only if they are not going to get married again. Say marriage has worked out for you, but later on, if a matbhed (divisiveness due to differences of opinions) develops between you two, then what will arise within for you? At that time, would you experience a lot of happiness? When a matbhed develops, how does your wife feel? [What happens] When a matbhed develops between the two of you? Why are you not saying anything, dear lady? Say something, you are educated. You understand, don’t you?

Questioner: Now-a-days matbhed means divorce.

Dadashri: They get divorced, don’t they? Yes, matbhed will definitely arise. Matbbhed cannot refrain from happening! Haven’t you seen matbhed in your home?

Questioner: But compromises are also made by both of them, are they not?

Dadashri: Yes, compromises are also made, but there is still matbhed, isn’t there?

Questioner: There certainly is.

Dadashri: Compromises have to be made. Even if you are sitting next to someone on a train, if that person has an odd nature, you have to endure it until he gets off. Likewise, if your wife has an odd nature, you have to learn to live with her. If you don’t compromise, then it [your relationship] will break, you will have to get a divorce.

Questioner: Right now it has reached all the way to matbhed.

Dadashri: That is exactly what I am saying! That is not good, it doesn’t look good in public. There is no point to it. But you can still improve it. You have a human life-form, so you can improve it. Why should it be like this? You are a fool to continue such nonsense! You have to understand a little, don’t you? You have understood, haven’t you? One has to remain ‘superfluous’ [superficial] in all this, but some people have ended up becoming the dominating husband of their wife. Hey mortal one, why are you exercising your dominance as a husband? You are a husband only as long as you are living andyour wife has not divorced you. If she divorces you, then you will not be called a husband, right?

No one other than a human exercises his dominance as a husband. Nowadays, one gets divorced, doesn’t he? He will tell the lawyer, “I’ll give you one to two thousand rupees. Get me a divorce.” Even the lawyer will say, “Yes, I’ll get it for you.” Hey, you go get a divorce. Why have you set out to get others divorced? That is why ‘we’ give the Gnan (Knowledge of the Self) quickly. Fundamentally, we should see to it that anger, pride, deceit and greed go and that matbhed reduces.

When Munbhed Happens, One Gets a Divorce

Questioner: In worldly matters if there is matbhed, then is itconsidered vichaarbhed (divisiveness due to a difference of thoughts) or is it considered matbhed?

Dadashri: It is considered matbhed. If one has attained this Gnan, then it is considered vichaarbhed. Otherwise, it is considered matbhed. Matbhed can give you a sudden blow!

Questioner: If there is less matbhed, then it is good, isn’t it?

Dadashri:One should not have matbhed at all. If he has matbhed, then that is not even considered humanity. This is because sometimes matbhed will lead to munbhed (divisiveness due to differences of opinions at an extreme level where no unity and harmony can be achieved). If matbhed turns into munbhed, then things like “You are like this, go back to your parents’ home” will start. After that, no joy will remain in the marriage. Therefore, save the marriage in one way or the other.

Matbhed means the presence of the ego. Do you like matbhed? When matbhed develops, quarrels and worries ensue. Where people question each other’s intelligence, there matbhed occurs at the foundation. One has to remain cautious there. What happens in munbhed? When munbhed happens, people will get a divorce and when tanbhed (physical separation, as at the time of death) happens, one of them will go to their grave!

The One Who Creates a Wedge Is at Fault

Questioner: Dada, when both husband and wife have a strife and they get divorced, then whose fault is it? Is that considered the unfolding of their karma? What is it? Whose fault is it really?

Dadashri:It is all the unfolding of karma! Whatever happens in fact, in reality, is the unfolding of karma! Then whatever the unfolding of karma may be, whether it is wrong unfolding of karma or bad unfolding of karma, but it is indeed the unfolding of karma that makes it happen; therefore no one has any say in that. Others may become a nimit (an apparent doer who is simply instrumental in the unfolding of karma) in creating a wedge, but ultimately it is the unfolding of karma. People may come across a nimit who creates a wedge as in, ‘This person created the wedge that caused them to get a divorce.’

Questioner: Dada, whose fault is it? If they get a divorce, whose fault is it?

Dadashri: The one who created the wedge.

If There Are Quarrels in the Home, Then Become Quarrel-Proof

Questioner: I don’t want to quarrel. If I never quarrel, but everyone at home keeps on starting quarrels daily, then what should I do?

Dadashri: You should become quarrel-proof. Only if you become quarrel-proof, will you be able to live in this worldly life.‘We’ will make you quarrel-proof. You should become such that even the person who comes to quarrel with you becomes weary. It should be such that no one in this world can depress you. Once you become quarrel-proof, then there will be no problems at all, will there? If people want to quarrel with you, want to hurl abuses at you, even then, there will be no problem, and yet you won’t be called shameless. On the contrary, your jagruti (awakened awareness) will increase tremendously.

The quarrels done in the past life cause vengeance to be bound, and that vengeance is today [in this life] being paid off in the form of quarrels.A seed of vengeance is planted right at the time of a quarrel; it will sprout in the next life.

Questioner: Then how can that seed be destroyed?

Dadashri: Gradually, if you keep on clearing with equanimity, then it can be destroyed. If a seed of severe vengeance has been sown, then it will take some time; you’ll have to be patient. You’ll have to do a lot of pratikraman. No one is taking anything from you. You get two meals a day, you have clothes to wear, what more do you need? They may lock you in your room and leave, but all you have to be concerned about is that you get two meals a day. There’s no problem even if they lock you up; you can go to sleep. You may have bound such vengeance in the past life that they lock you up and leave! Vengeance, and more so vengeance that was bound due to a lack of understanding! If it had been bound with understanding, then you can at least understand that, ‘This [vengeance] had been bound with understanding,’ and with that, a solution can come about. However, if it had been bound due to a lack of understanding, then how can it be solved? So, in that case, you should let go of the matter. You should let go of all the vengeance in this very lifetime. ‘We’ will show you the way to do so.

The bedbugs that bite are very nice, but here the husband ‘bites’ the wife. The wife ‘bites’ the husband and that is unbearable. Does she ‘bite’ or not?

Questioner: She does ‘bite’.

Dadashri: So that ‘biting’ must stop. Bedbugs bite and then they leave. The poor things leave once their stomachs are full. But the wife always keeps on ‘biting’. One man told me, “My wife ‘stings’ me like a snake!” You mortal one, why did you get married to a snake? So are you not a snake as well? Will a female snake ever come [marry you] just like that? A female snake will come only if there is a male snake, won’t it!

All the suffering that you have is due to your own karma. That is why one gets such a wife or such a husband. Andwhy did only he get such a wife? In fact, he keeps on fighting with his wife. Hey, it’s the fault of your karma! But people accuse the nimit. The wife is a nimit. Why are you accusing the nimit? Will you ever gain anything from accusing the nimit? You will attain a lower life-form.

Questioner: When both the husband and wife are fighting, whose karma should we consider as bad?

Dadashri: Consider it of the one who gets fed up.

Questioner: Neither of the two get fed up when it comes to fighting, they will keep on fighting!

Dadashri: In that case, the bad karma is of both of them. All this happens due to a lack of right understanding.

After a Divorce, One Feels the Nisasa of the Children

Questioner: Now-a-days everybody gets divorced, gets separated. Moreover, they get a divorce even though they have very young children, so wouldn’t the parents feel the nisaso (negative effects of the painful emotions caused to others) of the children?

Dadashri: They feel it, but what can they do? Actually a couple shouldn’t get a divorce. They should salvage their marriage. If they had gotten a divorce before having children, then there would be no problem, but if they get divorced after having children, they will feel the nisaso of the children, won’t they!

Questioner: Can it happen that if the mother and father are not happy, they are unhappy, therefore the children also become unhappy?

Dadashri: But it is better for them not to get a divorce if they have children. This is because the children will end up wondering whether to stay with the father or with the mother.

Questioner: If the mind of the child’s father does not work at all, he does not do any work, he does not know how to run the motel, and he just stays cooped up within the four walls of the house, then what can one do?

Dadashri: What can you do about it? What guarantee is there that you will find another husband who is better than him?

Questioner: There is no guarantee...

Dadashri: If the second husband is [worse] and he abuses you, then what will you do? Many women have faced this situation where the first husband was better. You fool, you should have just stayed there! Do you need to understand that from within or not?

Questioner: If we entrust it to Dada, then we will get a better husband, won’t we?

Dadashri: If you get a good husband and after three years he has a heart attack, then what will you do? In this world which is full of fear, what is all this? It would be better to say, “Whatever has happened is correct” and accept it. After three years if he has a heart attack, then you will remember your previous husband. Mortal one, you left the previous one and came to this one who had a heart attack! So this is all a fiasco, lady!

If you have had a break up, then I will make you understand that you should put up with each other in this way. I will show you the way, so you won’t feel it to be burdensome, and he too won’t feel it to be burdensome. I will settle things for both of you.

Otherwise, you will feel the nisaso of the child. The poor child doesn’t belong to the father or the mother!

Now if you get yourself another husband, and he turns out to be even worse, then what can be said for that? On the outside he wears a nice coat and pants and looks dashing and handsome, but on the inside, if he turns out to be a ‘sour mango’, how will you know that? A mango may look ‘first class’ on the outside, but when you cut it, it may turn out sour! Can a mango be sour from the inside?

Questioner: It can.

Dadashri: Is that so! There’s no surety, is there? Therefore, there is no assurance. So say that what you have ‘tasted’ is nice. This world is such that it is not worth keeping too much hope. So lady, I will explain to you that this is how you should put up with your spouse. Then you will feel very happy. There is absolutely no assurance [of what will happen]. It is not worth getting married in this world even once. But then again, one cannot live without getting married either. What an entanglement it is! It is not worth getting married in this world, and one cannot live without getting married. One has to find a way out of this difficulty.

Questioner: Which way?

Dadashri: If you ask me for the way privately, then I will show you everything. ‘How to deal with your husband.’ I will show you all that. Otherwise, there is no fun in getting a new husband. If you get a new husband and he has a heart failure after three years, then what will you do? And what would you do if he turns out to be an alcoholic?

Questioner: Therefore, you should summon the understanding from within that nobody is perfect in this world.

Dadashri: No, I will give you the understanding for that. If you try to set the understanding yourself, then it will not last long. And I will give you the right understanding, the kind that will last, the kind that will last forever! The setting done through your understanding will vanish by tomorrow morning. The understanding that you have set will not work. I will give you the right understanding. I will do the ‘plus’ and ‘minus’ and give it to you! You should understand it for the sake of your children. Even if there are only one or two children, they will be without any support! Will they not be without any support?

Questioner: They will be without any support.

Dadashri: Where is the mother? Where is the father? If a person loses his leg, then would he not live with it for the remainder of his life, or would he commit suicide?

Questioner: He should live with it.

Dadashri: Should he commit suicide or live with the lost leg? Yes… similarly this [divorce] is actually like losing your leg. ‘We’ will give you the understanding, otherwise if you delve into it on your own, you will trap yourself even more. ‘We’ find a way so that you become less entrapped. This is because, ‘we’ don’t have anything to gain from this, moreover, ‘we’ look out for your benefit, such that you don’t suffer, that you suffer less. One will say, “I will not commit suicide even if my leg gets fractured. Look, I am able to live peacefully!” Since you can live with all such things, you should learn to live with him, the husband, as well.

Clear That Which Does Not Suit You

You have no choice but to get married. This is because if you live life without getting married, then you will have no value in this world. What people will say is, “Look, there she goes!” So you should have some kind of a life amongst people, shouldn’t you? You have gotten married, so you should say, “My husband is the best.” Meaning that, there is nothing in this world that is bad.

Questioner: If I say that he is the best, then it will go to his head.

Dadashri:No, it will not go to his head. The poor man continues to work outside the entire day, so how is it going to go to his head? You should learn to live with the husband that you have got. Can you go and get another one? Can you buy one? And if you take some wrong steps, if you have to get divorced, then on the contrary, it will look bad. Someone will ask, “Is she a divorcee?” Where else can you go? Instead, since you have gotten married to one [husband], you should clear that. Understand that it is like this everywhere, and it may not suit you, but what can you do? Where can you go now? Therefore, you should clear [with equanimity] this one [husband] that you have. We are Indians. How many times should we change husbands? This one husband whom you married… the one whom you got, is correct! You should put the case aside! And for men, the wife that they have, even if she complains a lot, it is better to clear her [with equanimity].

If someone asks, “How’s your married life?” Thenyoushould say, “It is good.” You should not say, “It is fine.” Say, “It is very good.” Every home has its problems and there is bound to be unhappiness there. It may all be in greater or lesser amounts.

You Should Learn to Live With Whomever You Get

In Mumbai, one lady’s married life was getting ‘fractured’. Her husband was having a secret relation with another woman. This lady found out about it and intense quarrels began. Then the lady told me, “He is like this. What should I do? I want to run away from him.” I told her, “If you find a man who follows the vow of fidelity towards a single wife, then you can run away from him. Otherwise, how will you find another one that is good? You have only one, don’t you?” Then she said, “Yes, only one.” So, I told her, “Very good. Learn to live with him.Have a generous mind. You will not find another one better than him.”

One lady was saying, “I didn’t get a good husband so my life is ruined.” I asked her, “Would your life have improved if you had got a good husband? Do you not know that this is Kaliyug?” In Kaliyug you cannot find a good husband or a good wife. This entire ‘stock’ is garbage! It is not worth choosing from this ‘stock’. Therefore, you should not choose from it, you should resolve it. You should settle this karmic account; you should resolve it. Meanwhile, people are fancily moving around trying to become a husband or a wife. Hey mortal one, just bring about a resolution for all this! You should bring about a resolution in a way that conflicts are reduced.

Questioner: Dada, the circumstance that she came across must be part of her karmic account, right?

Dadashri: Without a karmic account, she would not come across it!

After you place a dhebru (fenugreek, pearl millet flat bread) inside a cage, however many [rats] get caught is correct! Similarly, one with intense greed gets trapped in this world. You should not have intense greed at all, should you! Be proud of whoever you got [as a spouse]!

All these people get married for happiness, but the poor people become unhappy within! This is because to become happy or unhappy is not under one’s control. It is subject to the karma from one’s past life. There is no escape from it. One will indeed have to learn to live with the spouse. This is worldly life, so one will suffer wounds for sure, right! Even the woman of the household may say, “This wound won’t heal anymore.” But once she’s drawn back into the worldly life, the wound heals. She prevails in a state of unawareness, doesn’t she! It is due to moha (illusory attachment) that there is a state of unawareness. The wounds heal due to moha. If the wounds didn’t heal, then she would attain a state of dispassion for worldly life (vairaagya), wouldn’t she? What can be called moha? It’s where one has had many experiences, but then forgets them all. When a man gets a divorce, he makes a resolve to never marry another woman, yet he marries again!

So even the husband searches for a good wife. Hey mortal one, in these times you should clear the matter some way or the other. When you sit in a train here, those sitting next to you will also not be good and straightforward. When you instigate them a little, then you will know. Therefore, some way or the other you have to finish this train [ride]. Right now, are these first class [passengers]? They are all second class [passengers]! The husbands that were first class passengers were different. During that time, the women were like Sita [A central figure of the ancient Hindu epic Ramayana. She was married to Lord Ram and is known for her virtue, beauty, and devotion.]. The husbands were like Ram [A central figure of the ancient Hindu epic Ramayana. He achieved the absolute state of the Self and final liberation in that life.] back then. Is this current ‘stock’ first class?

If you get another husband, then it will be the same way! Instead of that, just learn to live with the one you have and get your work done. What do you say? Yes, currently it is the stock of Kaliyug, so you should clear it in such a way that conflicts do not increase. Conflicts are bound to occur, but clear it in such a way that they do not increase.

Not Being On Speaking Terms Means There Is a Burden

Questioner: [During conflicts] Is it possible to clear the matter by avowing not to remain on speaking terms with the spouse?

Dadashri: It’s not possible. If you encounter that person, you should say, “How are you?” If he reacts with hostility, then you should calmly clear [that ‘file’] with equanimity.You’ll have to clear that sooner or later, won’t you? By not speaking to the other person, does that mean the matter has been cleared? It’s because it isn’t getting cleared that people don’t speak to each other. Not being on speaking terms means there’s a burden, a burden of what hasn’t been cleared. You should immediately approach the other person and say, “Hold on, tell me if I have done something wrong. I make a lot of mistakes. You are very intelligent and educated, so you don’t make mistakes,but I am not as educated, so I make a lot of mistakes.” If you say this, then he’ll be happy.

Questioner: What should I do if he doesn’t soften even after saying that?

Dadashri: What should you do if he doesn’t soften? You should say it and then let it go. What solution is there after that? He’ll soften someday. He won’t soften by you reprimanding him. He may appear to have softened today, but he will make a mental note within, and when you become soft, that’s when he’ll take it out on you. Therefore, this world is full of vengeance. The law of nature is that every living being binds vengeance; they hold on to those parmanu (the smallest, most indivisible and indestructible particle of matter) [of vengeance] within. So you should resolve the ‘case’ completely.

Questioner: What should I do if I try to break the silence by saying, “It was my fault, I am asking for forgiveness” but he becomes even more arrogant?

Dadashri: Then you should stop speaking. You should stop speaking knowing that his nature is wayward. If he has the misconception that, ‘The one who gives in is a weakling,’ then you should stay away from him. Then, whatever happens is correct. However, you should bring about a solution with those who are straightforward. Can’t you tell who in your household is straightforward and who is not?

Questioner: If the other person isn’t straightforward, then should I cut off my interactions with him?

Dadashri: You shouldn’t. Worldly interactions cannot be broken by cutting them off. Worldly interactions are not such that they can be broken by cutting them off. Therefore, you should remain silent there, with the understanding that one day he’ll get angry and your karmic account will end.If you remain silent, then one day he’ll get angry and say, “You’re not saying anything. You haven’t said anything for so many days.” When he gets angry like this, your karmic account will end.

Questioner: Talk about this art of not saying anything.

Dadashri: This art of not speaking is not something that others can learn. It is a very difficult art! Before the other person comes in front of you, you should converse with his pure Soul and cool everything down first. Thereafter, do not say anything; with that your entire situation will be cleared. It is a difficult art. So when your time comes, ask me and I will show you everything. When that step comes, learn it. But for now, do not quarrel at home at all. Those at home are considered your own. If you hurt any of them, then it is a dangerous sign of going to hell! The world has arisen from attachment and abhorrence and it will cease with equanimity.

The Right Understanding of Clearing With Equanimity

Questioner: Settlement with equanimity(sambhaavenikaal) does not happen.

Dadashri: It does not? Then what happens?

Questioner: Now in my case, ‘file’ number two [the marital partner] is the total opposite of me. That is why I have conflicts with her and I am not able to clear that with equanimity.

Dadashri: But You should tell Chandubhai, ‘Clear that with equanimity!’ However, if it [the karmic account] is very sticky, if it is nikaachit (so strong that there is no option but to bear it) then it will take a while.

Questioner: With others it happens easily, but not with her.

Dadashri: Now, do it carefully. Just like when you peel off a bandage, do it in a way that it does not hurt; do it slowly and gently.

Questioner: For us, our matbhed is increasing.

Dadashri: But why is matbhed increasing? Shouldn’t You follow the Agna (directive that preserves the awareness as the Self in Akram Vignan)of settling with equanimity?

Questioner: But despite following the Agna of clearing with equanimity, this very state of things persists.

Dadashri: No, it is not like that. [Decide that You want to] Clear with equanimity. If You follow that Agna, then nothing persists. There is so much power of speech (vachanbal) in that sentence [the Agna] that you can’t even imagine!

Questioner: But in settling with equanimity, the thinking is only one-sided, isn’t it?

Dadashri: Don’t say that it is one-sided. Simply decide that You want to clear with equanimity. Then it will keep happening on its own. Even if it does not happen, then like [the layers of] an onion, one layer will definitely get peeled off. Then the second layer of the onion will be visible. But the second layer will get peeled off the next time, and so in this manner, the onion will disappear completely. This is a Science! There are instant rewards here; there is exactness. ‘You’ should keep Seeing what Chandubhai is doing. ‘See’ the pure Soul in the other person and clear the ‘file’ with equanimity!

Questioner: Yes, but in clearing the ‘file’ with equanimity, if I am faced with worldly difficulties, then…

Dadashri: Worldly difficulties will certainly come and go. ‘Ebb and flow’; the water [tide] comes in and goes out. In fact, every day in the ocean, it comes in and goes out twice a day.

Questioner: The matbhed is at the level that we are not able to live together.

Dadashri: Even then, after settling with equanimity, people have been able to live together very beautifully, haven’t they! And what benefit are you going to get by living separately?

Questioner: She is never ready to understand. She does not get along with any of the relatives and she does not even want to keep relations with them; if she is fine with that approach, then what should I do?

Dadashri: Don’t stick to that approach; You have to See which approach is being adopted. This path is not one that is ‘designed’ [predestined]. This Knowledge of the Self (Gnan)is not something that is ‘designed’. ‘You’ have to See the approach that is being adopted [by Chandubhai].

Questioner: From the worldly viewpoint, is that approach acceptable or unacceptable?

Dadashri: ‘You’ don’t need to consider that. ‘You’ should live with this approach [of Gnan]. If You want peace, if You want bliss, then live with this approach. And if You do not want peace, then take the other approach. If you create a ‘design’ [for how things should be, through the intellect], then you will get a beating. Nothing new will come out of it. Taking a beating is a sign of ignorance, nothing else! This is considered as being overly wise! On the contrary, you are going along according to your own wisdom! After attaining the elemental Vision (tattva drashti), why should You See anything else? Had You not attained it, then the other approach was there anyways!

Questioner: But then am I supposed to keep tolerating the present condition with the belief that it is karmicbondage?

Dadashri: ‘You’ don’t have to believe anything at all. Why would You have to believe? ‘You’ are the Knower-Seer(Gnata-Drashta); You just have to See. ‘See’ what is happening, See what happens! Yesterday when you went home, did you get food to eat or not?

Questioner: I certainly got food to eat!

Dadashri:Then what is the problem? You get food to eat; you have a place to sleep! Then what more do you want? If the wife does not speak to you, then tell her, “Today sleep on that side.” If she does not speak to you, then do you have to plead with her? No you cannot. So don’t start any new problems. If just one lifetime is spent in accordance with the Agnas of the Gnani (One who has realized the Self and is able to do the same for others), there will be prosperity. And moreover, it will be with the bliss of the Self!

Questioner: Under any circumstance, am I simply to settle it with equanimity?

Dadashri: To settle it with equanimityis the only thing that falls under Your role (dharma)! If a certain ‘file’ turns out to be challenging, then You should decide, ‘I want to settle it with equanimity.’ For other ‘files’ who are adjustable, there may not be such a need.

Questioner: But where there is total dis-adjustment, what should I do in that case?

Dadashri: ‘You’ should keep the intent in the mind to clear with equanimity! ‘I want to clear with equanimity’; You should use just these words!

Questioner: If the other person [my wife] does not take any adjustments, then what should I do?

Dadashri: ‘You’ should not look at whether or not she takes adjustments.

Questioner: But then what should I do? Should we separate?

Dadashri: ‘You’ should keep Seeing. Nothing else is in her control or your control! Therefore, See what is happening. There is no problem even if you separate from each other. Our Gnan is not telling you to separate nor is it telling you to not separate. Just keep Seeing what is going on. Even if you both separate, no one will object as to why you are separating and if you live together, even then, no one will object! However, these dis-adjustments are wrong.

Questioner: If she is hostile by her very nature, then how can that be changed?

Dadashri: The world is in fact hostile by nature! The world itself means hostile by nature! And if you don’t settle this opposition, then you will certainly be faced with opposition every day; moreover, you will face it in your next life as well! Instead, settle the karmicaccount right here itself. What is wrong with that? After having attained the Self, the karmic accounts can be repaid.

Just say, “I want to follow the Agnas,” that’s all. Under whose control are the other adjustments? They are in the hands of vyavasthit (scientific circumstantial evidences)!

If You decide, ‘I want to clear it with equanimity,’ then everything will fall into place for You. There is magic in those words; they will bring about a solution on their own.

Questioner: ‘To clear the ‘file’ with equanimity’;does that mean that I should say ‘yes’ to everything the other person says?

Dadashri: If she tells you, “Sit here,” then go ahead and sit. If she tells you, “Go outside,” then go outside. That person is not actually doing anything; it is in fact vyavasthit that is doing it. The poor lady is a nimit! Otherwise, You are not to say ‘yes’ to everything, You are to See whether Chandubhai says ‘yes’ or ‘no’! Besides, it is not under your control to agree with the person all the time. ‘See’ what vyavasthit makes you [Chandubhai] do. This is a very simple matter, but people complicate it

Questioner: But if she is happy to separate then should we separate?

Dadashri: In that case she is a very nice woman. Elsewhere women beat their husbands! She hasn’t beaten you, has she? Then that is very good! You should say, “I am so fortunate!”

Questioner: In that case, she will choose to live the way she wants to...

Dadashri: Why are you imagining that she will do this?

Questioner: She is already doing it and I am already experiencing it.

Dadashri: No. Even if you are experiencing it, you should not imagine this. This whole madness has come about because of imagination!It is completely straightforward, and if One follows ‘our’ Agna of clearing with equanimity, then not even the slightest of problem will arise even while being in the midst of snakes! And she is not a snake; she is a woman, isn’t she! There is nothing in it; you yourself have made it all complicated!

How Can There Be Divorces Here!

Questioner: Under what circumstances can one get a divorce?

Dadashri: This divorce is a thing of today. Where was there such a thing as divorce in the past?

Questioner: It happens these days, doesn’t it? So under what circumstances should all this be done?

Dadashri: If nothing is working out, then it’s better to get a divorce. If the person is not adjustable at all, then it’s better to get a divorce. Otherwise, ‘we’ say just one thing, “Adjust everywhere,” because you shouldn’t get into doing ‘multiplications’ that ‘he is like this and like that.’

Questioner: Are the divorces that people in America go through considered bad? When they don’t get along at all and they get divorced?

Dadashri:What is the point of getting divorced? Are they cups and saucers? Cups and saucers cannot be split, you cannot divorce them, so then how can men and women get divorced? It is fine for those other people, but you are Indian. Where there was fidelity towards a single wife and fidelity towards a single husband, where one was told not to look at any other woman [with a sexual intent] other than his wife, where such was the thinking, would thoughts of divorce be suitable?

Dogs and animals all get divorced, and now people have gotten into it, so then what’s the difference between them? In India, after getting married once, they would never get married again. If one’s wife died, he would not get married again. Such were the people. Such pure people were born then!

We Are Indians, We Put Up With Each Other

Questioner: Here in America when something minor happens to people, they immediately get a divorce. So do they get a divorce because of fear that was instilled in the previous life?

Dadashri: No, they are in a state of unawareness, there is indeed no awareness at all, is there! Things keep changing for foreigners. Are we foreigners? We are the spiritually exalted people of India. What are we?

Questioner: The spiritually exalted people of India! Yes, definitely.

Dadashri: Aspiritually exalted woman of India used to put up with whatever kind of husband she got the first time, even if he was blind! What can you do if he becomes blind after you marry him? Don’t you have to put up with him? These other women out there don’t put up with their husband, but we Indians have to put up with him. After all he is a good man! What I said was said appropriately and at the appropriate place. One man caught a hold of that statement. After all, he liked it very much.

These are our moral values! The wife will fight [with her husband] until she is eighty years old, and even then, after her husband dies, she will do sarvanee (a ritual performed on the thirteenth day after death) on the thirteenth day. In the sarvanee, she will remember what her husband liked and she will order those things from Mumbai and put them there. At that time, if a boy were to ask the 80-year-old lady, “Ma’am, your husband had pushed you down six months ago; at that time, you were saying bad things about him.” The old lady will say, “Even then, I won’t get such a husband again.” From the experiences of her entire life, she will discover that at heart, he was a very good person. His prakruti was wayward, but at heart, he...

Questioner: He was good.

Dadashri: So she knows to deduce that, ‘I won’t get such a husband again.’ Imagine what level of investigation there must be! One would not know how he was on the inside! This is all nothing but the attributes of the prakruti, the fact that he gets angry and all that. But these are the moral values of our Indians! What would the old lady say? “The fact that he pushed me down is a different matter, but I won’t get such a husband again!” These are India’sspiritually exalted women!

Our life should be such that people make a note of it. We are Indians, we are not foreigners. We put up with our wives and our wives put up with us; in this way it goes on until the age of eighty. Whereas, she [a non-Indian wife] will not put up with her husband even for an hour, and he [a non-Indian husband] will not put up with his wife for an hour either. We are men of high cultural and moral values, we are the spiritually exalted people of India. Having uncivilized behavior looks very bad. Those people’s conduct, thinking, food and everything are different, it is like those who are not spiritually exalted, whereas our food is of the spiritually exalted people. But those not spiritually exalted people have not become uncivilized, and our people have become uncivilized. All this does not suit us. If we do that which does not suit us, then the ‘design’ that we had willchange. The ‘design’ we had as being spiritually exalted will also change. Therefore, should we turn our life around or not, dear lady?

Questioner: We should turn it around.

Dadashri: I am indeed the One who will turn it around [for you]. All of you should learn the art of living life, may you all become happy. [With that,] Your children will become good. Good moral values will be instilled in them.

Questioner: It looks like you have seen something in us.

Dadashri: ‘We’ Gnanis can See everything within, ‘we’ can See everything that is going on within! And so ‘we’ tell you everything and then change things for you!

The Secret to Avoiding Getting a Divorce Is Pratikraman

[If the people of India] Had done pratikraman in their last life, then they will put up with each other.

Questioner: They [the non-Indians] must have not met a nimit to do pratikraman in the last life, mustn’t they?

Dadashri: They have not done pratikraman, so they do not put up with each other, while we have done pratikraman in the last life, so we put up with each other.

Questioner: This is something new, Dada. Having done pratikraman in the last life; that is something new that has come out today.

Dadashri: That is why they put up with each other, isn’t it?

Questioner: So they [the people of India] must have done pratikraman. Where did they get the understanding to do pratikraman? A Gnani Purush must have given them the understanding to do pratikraman in the last life, right?

Dadashri: They had learned it from the life before that. They have gone through the process of developing and then come into this life!

Questioner: Yes, they have come having developed. That is correct.

Dada, it is the same for us, isn’t it? That whoever we haven’t done pratikraman for in the last life, we do not put up with that person in this life, and we oppose them?

Dadashri: We do not put up with that person, and then quarrels ensue.

Questioner: Quarrels ensue. Then what should we do about that? Should we do pratikraman now?

Dadashri: After quarrelling we do pratikraman. We do it eventually. How can one sleep at night? They [foreigners] do not understood pratikraman, so they do not do it even now. The people of India have done pratikraman, so they put up with the spouse. People from any other country do not put up with the spouse.

Questioner: Only people of India understand pratikraman. Other people do not understand pratikraman at all. They do not even know about pratikraman.

Dadashri: Yes. Other people would not understand it, would they! Other people [believe] that God is the doer, so then...

Questioner: Yes, they say, “Excuse me, excuse me.” They keep saying those words.

Dadashri: That is different. Did [the point about pratikraman] set in your understanding?

Questioner: It has ‘fit’ [set in my understanding] completely. All the ‘screws’ have been tightened. All the ‘nuts and bolts’ have been tightened.

Dadashri: Why do people of India put up with the spouse? Are they soft? Are they mad? Are they crazy? Are they fools? The answer is, ‘No, it is nothing like that.’ [It is because] They have done pratikraman [in the last life].

Questioner: They have done pratikraman. That is their ‘capital’. Their ‘capital’ is that of having done pratikraman, otherwise they would not put up with the spouse.

Dadashri: These husbands of India...

If the idli (steamed rice cakes) are under cooked, what will they do? They will say, “I’ll make do with it, it will do.” Just look, the people of India eat under cooked idli. They make do with it, don’t they?

Questioner: The husband and wife quarrel every day, yet they put up with each other for the rest of their lives, don’t they Dada?

Dadashri: They put up with each other, don’t they! Just look! That is a wonder, isn’t it! They fight...

Questioner: They quarrel and do everything.

Dadashri: But they put up with each other, don’t they! Yet, what do people think of them? ‘They are completely wrong. They are weak. They should not make do with each other.’ But when they put up with each other, they do not know why they are making do with each other! They do not know why they are making do with each other. I give the explanation that they are making do with each other because they have done pratikraman.

Questioner: Right.

Dadashri: They quarrel and then they do pratikraman. Did you understand this statement?

Questioner: Dada, it has ‘fit’ completely.

Dadashri: Is that so! Oh ho ho! Did the statement ‘fit’ for you?

Questioner: Completely. It seems as though we have experienced this. This happens every day, we see it every day, and we put up with each other. What is the reason for that? That [the reason] came out exactly, Dada.

Dadashri: Pratikraman [has been done]. That came out exactly. These people are developed. However much they are developed, they will put up with each other to that extent. And where they are not developed, their relationship will break down there! Their relationship will break down. They will say, “I cannot tolerate this person.”

Questioner: Many people are not ready to understand this. If they can understand it, then they will realize it. Thereafter, they will not have any problems.

Dadashri: Yes. Once they understand it, it will be solved. If people from all the foreign countries come together and if they are asked, “Why do these people [of India] put up with each other and why don’t you [foreigners] put up with each other?” They would answer, “It is their weakness.”

Questioner: Yes, they will say just that! “They are weak!”

Dadashri: Weak! Hey, crazy people. It is actually their [Indian’s] spiritual development!

Questioner: Is it a weakness to put up with each other?

Dadashri: It is not a weakness. Didn’t I say that? It happens because of pratikraman!

Questioner: It is actually a weakness not to put up with each other.

Dadashri: Yes, that is actually a weakness. But those people see that [making do with each other] as a weakness, don’t they!

Questioner: Yes, so they see it differently.

Dada, you put up with all of us to such an extent.

Dadashri: But I have also done pratikraman. I have done a lot [of pratikraman], haven’t I!

Questioner: You must have done so much pratikraman! You have done it your entire life, that is why this is the case.

Dadashri: Yes, a lot. And one will do pratikraman if he can see the faults, right! If he cannot see the faults, then how will he do it? I can See most of my faults, because I have attained the subtle vision, so I have to do pratikraman, don’t I! I have no choice, do I?

Questioner: And you did so much pratikraman; that is the main reason for this state to arise.

Dadashri: Yes... those pratikraman happened, that is why I put up with you all now. I put up with you all, and that too, with satisfaction. How is it? I put up with you all with satisfaction.

When the Other Person Tears, You Should Keep Mending It

One chartered accountant had come. He told me that he gets a salary of 3500 rupees [in 1970]. I asked him, “Is it because you have lot of experience?” He replied, “Yes, I have tremendous experience.” Then I told him, “Take Gnan one of these days, then your work will go on well! Otherwise, a 3500 rupee salary means you don’t have any other problem, do you?” [I asked him,] “You earn 3500 rupees, so what do you do with all that money?” He replied, “How can that be enough when the standard of living is so high these days?” Then I asked, “But what do you do with it? Tell me at least some of it.” He said, “I give 1500 rupees to my wife.” I assumed that it was for the kitchen expenses. So I said, “You certainly have to cover the kitchen expenses, don’t you! There is no problem if you give 1500 for that.” Then he said, “No, it’s not like that. It is not for the kitchen expenses. 1500 rupees goes to my wife.” His mistakewas exposed! His intelligence was exposed! Yes, now you are truly a CA [Chartered Accountant]! The CA lives separately and the wife lives separately. You, a man who has become a CA, yet your wife lives separately from you, what kind of a reputation must you have in the outside world? Would your reputation be ruined or not? Then I asked him, “Why does she live separately?” To that he replied, “I don’t get along with her.” I asked him, “Do you have any children?” He replied, “I have one son and he stays with her. I give her 1500 rupees and the rest I need for my maintenance.” I said, “You are a very intelligent CA. You solve other people’s problems, but you made a mistake in your own situation. Can you not bring about a settlement for one person? Can you not bring about a settlement with the woman you are married to? You are considered a chartered accountant! You are an expert in calculations!” I scolded him. I asked, “Who made you a CA? How did you pass? Did you cheat and pass? A CA would be extremely intelligent! He would be such that if there is any problem with others around him, he would help mend it for them. Whereas you ‘fractured’ your home! You tore up the relationship?” Then he said, “Dadaji, you don’t know her, she is an extremely bad wife.” I said, “That may be true, but if I go and ask her what her husband is like, then what would she say?”

Questioner: She would say the same thing, “He is bad.”

Dadashri: As soon as he said, “She would say that he is worthless,” he had the thought that, ‘Wait a minute. She too would call me worthless.’ Then I asked, “Are there any other adjectives?” To that he replied, “No, but it is not worth talking about that at all.” I asked, “Aren’t you ashamed? You are such an educated man and your wife has left you! You be the judge.” Then he said, “She calls me even worse things.” I said, “Then what is the justification for this? Why do you make yourself look bad? Why did this happen with this woman?” Then he said, “I tried to improve her.” To that I said, “There is no need to improve anyone! Why are you getting into improving someone? Only show her the work you have for her. Why are you getting into improving her?” Then he said, “If I don’t improve her, then when will she improve?” I said, “Look, by improving her, her prakruti will not change. You are trying to improve her, but she will improve only if you have improved. You try to improve her, but she is not going to become your disciple.” Then he said, “Yes, but it won’t work unless I improve her, will it!” “You should not improve her. You should not improve your mother either. You should adjust. You should not improve her. You have not come here to improve her. She will not improve by you improving her. This is because, who can you improve? [You can improve her only] If she is really your wife. However, this is a relationship in the relative realm. What kind of relationship is it? Do you understand this relationship? You are a CA, so I will explain it to you. The relation you have with your mother is a relative relation, not a real relation. You have a blood relation with your mother and the other [with the wife] is a relation of a neighbor, but they are both relative relations. Relative means that her relation with you will be how you maintain the relation with her. You don’t even know how to take care of the relative relation with your wife?” Then he said to me, “I thought that this was a real relation.” To that I said, “How can there be a real relation with a woman? The relation with this body is not real, so how can the acquaintance of this body be real?” So all these relations are relative relations! Relative means that if you need her, then if she is tearing [the relation], even then you should keep mending it the entire night. If you are tearing it and she is also tearing it, then what will happen in the morning?

Questioner: Divorce.

Dadashri:Therefore, when she is tearing it, you should keep mending it the entire night. Otherwise, there will be no relation left in the morning. What does relative mean? It means to mend. If one tears it, then the other should keep mending it. So both will be taken care of. Then he asked, “How can I mend it?” I replied, “If she is thinking negatively about you the entire night that, ‘He is very bad, he is very bad,’ then the entire night you should say, “She is good, she is very good. This is my mistake. She is very good.” So in the morning it will be mended. If she tries to tear it tomorrow, then you should mend it again. If she says, “You are bad” and you also say, “She is bad,” then it will break. Therefore, if you want to get along with her, then when she tears it, you should keep mending it. Then in the morning it will remain intact. Let her tear it. At least half of it will remain, won’t it? Then you can see to it in the morning. Who can you improve? The one with whom you have a real relation. You can improve her nicely thinking, ‘It is fine if even a hundred life-times go by, but I will definitely improve her.’ Whereas this is a relative relation. It is a relation to settle the past karmic account with her. Once the karmic account is settled, you will separate. She will not meet you again. So why go through the trouble of improving her? You can decide to improve her, but if she doesn’t improve, then you should stay within your limitand prevent your worldly life from spoiling. If you remain obstinate in improving her, then would that obstinacy spoil your worldly life or not?

Questioner: It will spoil it, won’t it!

Dadashri:Not for the sake of improving, but say that whatever happens is correct and move on. Keep the intent of improving her, but don’t get into the trouble of improving her. Now, how should she be improved? You should go to her and say, “I had a huge temper before, but now I have cooled down, so come [home]! It was not your fault. I can now see my faults.” These intelligent people who meet me, their work gets done quickly. They immediately know that this point is correct. They immediately put it into practice.

Did you like it? A lot?

Questioner: Yes, Dada.

Dadashri:I explained it to both of them and mended their relation! They got together again! This is how this world is! All this is nothing but a lack of right understanding! All these are relative relations. She does not need to be improved. I even asked his wife, “Are you trying to improve him? Do you need to improve him? Whatever his karmic stock is, let it be. You should put up with him. Adjust everywhere!” In the fifth era of the time cycle, one needs to adjust everywhere; if you dis-adjust, then you will suffer beatings and die. I managed to get them back together.

Improve What Was Spoiled With Gnan

The ‘fireworks’ of each person’s prakruti are going off. Where did these ‘fireworks’ come from?

Questioner: They belong to each person’s prakruti.

Dadashri: We may think that they will explode today, but then they don’t! Therefore, adjust with this person. Until one attains Gnan, it won’t work. Moreover, I have to explain to him over and over again every day, how to conduct worldly interactions. But now, after attaining ‘our’ Gnan [that is not needed]! For those who don’t have the knowledge of how to conduct worldly interactions, I have to put in a lot of efforts towards them, I have to give them blessings. However, [after attaining Gnan] you have now become controllable.

So, before I come back next year, you should tell me, “We are both one, Dada. See for yourself.” This fiasco should not happen next year. Wherever you go, a fiasco happens! For how long can you hide these fiascos? Now they should not happen. You have received Dada’s Science. You have received the solution for peace, the solution for bliss!

And when your mind yells, ‘She said so much, so much has happened!’ ‘You’ should say, ‘Go to sleep, it will heal in no time.’ It will heal right away. If you pat him [file 1] on the shoulder, then he will fall asleep. It has all healed for you, hasn’t it? The wounds that had formed?

Questioner: Yes.

Dadashri: The wife gave rise to wounds, the husband gave rise to wounds, everyone has continued to give rise to wounds! All the wounds that have been formed have been healed. He is now smiling so much that all his teeth are showing! They were such severe wounds, weren’t they? They used to taunt each other! And ridiculing each other is a different thing altogether! These Americans don’t know how to taunt and ridicule others. Whereas these ‘so called intellectual people’ know how to taunt and ridicule others. Have you heard that? One would have made a note of all the suffering he has undergone, wouldn’t he? Those wounds do not heal quickly, do they! And in the vicinity of the Gnani Purush,there is no misery, is there? Even if there is misery, it goes away! All the wounds heal!

Questioner: When there is a quarrel, is it not the filled karmic stock that is unfolding?

Dadashri: When there is a quarrel, new karmic stock gets filled in, but after attaining ‘our’ Gnan, the filled karmic stock discharges.

Questioner: When my husband is quarrelling with me, what if I do pratikraman?

Dadashri: There is no problem.

Questioner: Then all the filled karmic stock will discharge, won’t it?

Dadashri: Then it will all discharge. Wherever pratikraman is done, the filled karmic stock will discharge. Pratikraman is the only solution in this world.

Questioner: When changes are seen, we understand that Dada is indeed correct, only then can changes happen.

Dadashri: There have been changes in you, haven’t there?

Questioner: Yes, I used to make him miserable. I said, “If I had not met Dada, then he may have divorced me.”

Dadashri: Is that so? There is peace in everyone’s home! There wasn’t peace, but now there is!

Now, if your husband scolds you, what will you do?

Questioner: I will clear it with equanimity.

Dadashri: Is that so? Will you not leave him now?

Questioner: No.

Dadashri: If he leaves you, then what will you do? What [if he says,] “I won’t be able to adjust with you”?

Questioner: I will call him back. I will fall at his feet, ask for forgiveness and call him back.

Dadashri: Yes, you should call him back. By coaxing him, cajoling him, putting your hand on his head and stroking it... After that, things will settle down again.

Getting Married Is a Promise to Pay

Questioner: Have you ever regretted getting married thinking, ‘It would have been good if I hadn’t gotten married’?

Dadashri:No way! I have never learned to have regret! Before I do anything, I make sure that I will not have to regret it. And is the wife the cause of your misery? It is actually your intellect that is causing you misery. What can your wife do about it, if you are the crooked one? If you had learned the art of living life, then you wouldn’t have had to regret anything. I have never had to regret anything in life. It is due to your own ‘drawing’ [design] that you met each other. So then why should you regret it? Did God create the ‘drawing’ for you? This is indeed your own ‘drawing’! You made this ‘contract’ [of marriage] willingly, so how can you back out now? Didn’t you make this ‘contract’?

Questioner: I did!

Dadashri: So how can you back out now? When you got married, you made a promise, so you have to fulfill that promise, don’t you? You made a ‘contract’, so you have to follow it, don’t you? I too follow it, don’t I! There is no choice, is there?

Hirabaa lost one of her eyes in 1943. She had glaucoma. When the doctor tried to [do an operation for the] glaucoma, she lost vision in one eye. So people started thinking, ‘Now there is a new groom available. Let’s get him married again.’ So one Patel from Bhadran [Dada’s town] came to me. It was for his brother-in-law’s daughter’s hand in marriage. I asked him, “What do you want?” Then he said, “Did this happen to you?” Now at that time in 1944, I was thirty-six years old. I asked, “Why have you come asking like this?” Then he said, “Well, first of all, Hirabaa has lost one eye. Secondly, you don’t have any children.” I said, “I don’t have any children, but I don’t have a state. I don’t have a state like Baroda that I have to give to them. If I had a state, then it would be worth giving to my children. All I have is a home and some land. And that will actually make me a farmer, won’t it! If I had a state, then it would make sense.” Then I asked him, “Why are you asking me all this?” When I married Hirabaa, I had given her a promise. One of her eyes is gone, so what can be done now? If both of her eyes go, even then I will hold her hand and guide her. Wouldn’t Hirabaa feel hurt? ‘This happened because I lost my eye!’ ‘We’ had made a ‘promise to pay’ [given her a promise]. I told her, “I will never leave you. Even if the world turns upside-down, a promise is a promise!”

Pure Interactions in a Family

Patch up things within the family, nothing else needs to be done. Just patch things up in your family. Can this be understood through the intellect or not? And what should a family be like? What advice do you give others? “Do not quarrel amongst each other, do not argue with each other.” That is what you tell them, don’t you? You are the one giving advice, yet there are arguments at your home! That is all I am telling you, nothing more. Do not talk about moksha for now. If you do this much, then you will not have any conflicts at home. First, begin practicing religion at home. Become such a family member that there is no interference even to the slightest extent, and no one is hurt by you.

You do not know how to live in a family. You have studied everything, but should you not first learn how to deal with your wife? How to deal with your wife. How to deal with your children. Should you not know that? What book have you read that tells you how to deal with your wife?

Questioner: I had read a book called something like, ‘Marriage and family.’

Dadashri:Yet you have remained the same, haven’t you? So all those books are wrong! If the soap does not remove the dirt, that confirms it is not soap. If people come to teach you religion, but they [your quarrels] do not reduce, then understand that it is not ‘soap’. These people are all wandering around unnecessarily! The dirt should go away immediately when you rub soap on it. Then your efforts will be fruitful; the water you use will not go to waste. Many doctors go home irritated from the hospital, and they tell their wife, “You have no sense.” Hey, can you say that in your family? If you do not get along with someone outside your family, then you can tell that person, “You have no sense.” With that, the quarrel will start. But you cannot say that inside your home. At home, she feeds you jalebi (an Indian sweet), ladva (an Indian sweet), and bhajiya (savory fritters), so you cannot say this to her. Therefore, with the wife, with the children, the first thing you need to improve is that peace and contentment should prevail in the family. First, in your own family!

What does ‘my family’ mean? It is where there are no problems. There is vichaarbhed (divisiveness due to a difference of thoughts), but there are no problems, there are no conflicts at all. Yes, there should not be any interference in the family. You can go out of the home and interfere. If youwant to interfere, then do so with people outside the family. Don’t do so in the family.This is called ‘one family’. So stop interfering from tomorrow, and she will stop doing so with you. ‘My family’ means it is your own! What is included in ‘my family’? Me, my wife, and my children. That is considered ‘myfamily’. There should not be any kind of interference in that. With outsiders, with other families, there may be interference.

Questioner: Each person has a different personality, that is why there are conflicts in the family, aren’t there?

Dadashri: Then it cannot be considered a family. And you say, “This is my family!” It can be considered a family when there is no interference.

Ladies, say something. There should be an end to misery. How long can your life go on like this!

This is all nothing but a lack of right understanding. Destroy the wrong understanding. If you do not practice any other religion, then it is fine, the Lord does not have any problem with that, but at least remove such wrong understanding! At least secure your‘safe-side’ [safety]. If you cannot do anything else, at least secure a ‘safe-side’ for the family. That is the first religion and after that is the religion of moksha.

Understand the Boundary of My Family

When is it a pleasure to live life? It is when there are no problems the entire day. When the day passes peacefully, that is when one would like to live life. But here, there are interferences at home, so how can one live life comfortably? One cannot bear that at all, can he! There should not be interferences at home. At times, it may happen with the neighbors or with outsiders, but even at home? At home, you should live [together] like one family. What should family life be like? The home should be overflowing with only love. How can this be called family life? If the lentil soup(daal) turns out salty, then one makes a fuss. On top of that he will complain, “The lentil soupis salty!” What underdevelopedpeople! Developed people are such that if the lentil soup is salty, then they set it aside and eat everything else. Can that not be done? Can one not leave the lentil soup on the side and eat everything else? This is family life. Why don’t you create problems with outsiders! What is the meaning of ‘my family’? It means that there are no problems of any kind amongst us. You should take adjustments. You should know how to adjust within your family. Adjust everywhere!

One says, “My family, my wife.” But when you go to their home, they are fighting! Hey mortal one, do you lie like this? Remain straight at home! What is ‘my family’? This is my boundary and there should be no fighting. That is considered ‘my family’!

Do you have the knowledge of family organization? In India, we lack the knowledge of how to organize our family. In foreign countries, they don’t even understand the concept of family. When James becomes twenty years old, his parents William and Mary will tell him, “Now you live on your own and we will live on our own!” They don’t have much practice of organizing a family, do they? And their family will say things the way they really are. If it’s not working out between William and Mary, they will consider getting a divorce! Whereas here, there are no talks of divorce! We have to remain together. We argue with each other and then sleep in the very same room! This isn’t the way to live life. This is not considered family life. I feel that you did not like what I said.

Questioner: No, no, what is wrong with it? Someone has to say it openly, don’t they?

Dadashri: So then that is good! Tell me if you understand that.

Those Who Live as One Family Are Doing It the Right Way

This is another family and this is our ‘one family’. If it is ‘one family’, then there should be no other problems. One means one! There can’t be any other. If the wife makes a mistake, then one will immediately begin quarreling! One family should not have such quarrels. You should understand that this is indeed your family. Your children are your family. Your family means it is about you alone! The children may misbehave, the wife may misbehave, but the husband should not do that. What do you think?

If you feel that this is not possible for you, then I will give you blessings. Then you will be able to do it. And a human being can do anything. You studied in college and have come here all the way to America. Is that an ordinary feat? Prarabdha (the effect of past karma) has helped you in this. Similarly, prarabdha will also help you in this. If you decide, then prarabdha will help you, but if you don’t decide, then how can prarabdha help you?

With the Right Understanding, You Can Live a Life Filled With Love

Questioner: Your talks on spirituality are indeed beyond words, but even your talks regarding worldly interactions are of the topmost level.

Dadashri: The fact is, even if the highest level of the Knowledge of the Self is attained, noone has attained moksha without understanding worldly interactions. The reason being, it is the worldly interactions that have to set You free, isn’t it?What can You do if they don’t set You free? ‘You’ are definitely the pure Soul, but only if the worldly interactions set You free! If you become a stickler in worldly interactions, then you will become laden with kashay (anger, pride, deceit and greed). Firstly, these worldly interactions have to be learned. Without having the right understanding of worldly interactions, people take various kinds of beatings. You keep giving rise to entanglements in worldly interactions. Why don’t you bring about a resolution quickly!

What kind of suffering is there at home? What kind of quarrels ensue? What kind of matbhed happens? If these two people write that down and bring it to ‘us’, then ‘we’ will bring about a solution to all of that within one hour. All matbhed arise from a lack of right understanding, nothing else. What do you think of this? You are doing so mistakenly, aren’t you? You are actually doing the wrong thing, aren’t you?

Questioner: That is correct.

Dadashri: So can’t this much be changed? That is all I am saying. And write it down and give it to me. This lady says that she has quarrels like this with him, so write it down and give it to me. Then I will tell her what is wrong in this.

This lady broke glassware worth a hundred dollars, and if he quarrels with her, then what is the point of that? It is meaningless! Would the lady break even a single glass [intentionally]? He should at least understand that she would not break it [intentionally]. So what are the causes behind this? If you ask ‘us’, then ‘we’ will show you. Therefore, it is not the wife’s fault and it is not your fault either. The cause behind this is actually so and so. With that, there is no reason for you to become angry anymore. If you ask like this about everything, then ‘we’ will tell you about all of those matters. ‘We’ will explain to you that you have been robbed due to your mistake. You should understand all that.

If your family members have not come here, then tell them, “Dada says that if I am able to understand my mistake, then you should not tell me about that mistake. And if you are able to understand your mistake, then I too won’t tell you about it.” ‘We’ tell you, “Bring about this much resolution and there is no need for this interference now.” Live life filled with love so that all the children become happy. Hence, this [interference] shouldn’t happen. Life should be like a life!

Now there won’t be any problems at home, will there? And if she is pointing out your mistake, then you should tell her, “I already know this. Hasn’t Dada said not to point out other’s mistakes?” Explain this to her. So caution her, “I already know this. So don’t point out that mistake!”

Mistakes will certainly continue to happen. Both people make mistakes, don’t they? Who doesn’t make mistakes?

Questioner: Everyone makes mistakes.

Dadashri: Mistakes should never be pointed out. You should never point out anyone’s mistakes at home.

So, you should keep analyzing the karma that have already unfolded. What happens when you keep analyzing them? You get to study them. What are the bad things that happened and how did they happen? So you can correct them. You certainly don’t have the Knowledge of moksha, but if you want to stay in worldly life, then you should correct the karma that have already unfolded. For example, let’s say you unnecessarily had a heated argument with your wife. Even though there was mango pulp and Indian flat bread to eat, but by saying, “I didn’t like the yogurt soup,” you spoiled it all. So you should learn from this experience and decide the next day that, ‘I don’t want to do this again.’

Dada Fixes Things for Those Who Are Getting a Divorce

In India, which family does not have any quarrels at home? So many times I have to make both of them understand over and over again, and bring about a resolution. Many people are preparing to get a divorce! What can they do? They have no choice, do they! The separation happens entirely because of a lack of right understanding! One doesn’t let go of that which he holds onto, and all discussions are with a lack of right understanding. Now when I explain to them, they say, “No. It’s not like that, it’s not like that.”

Questioner: They are together, but they live as if they are separated.

Dadashri: Like they are divorced.

Questioner: You have brought everyone together.

Dadashri:Many people say, “We were about to [get a divorce] and you brought us together again. Now, we don’t like it without one another.” The mistake is only in the understanding. People don’t know how to understand each other, they don’t know how to communicate.

If a couple is about to get a divorce and you bring them to me, I will set things right for them within one hour. Then the two of them will remain together. The fear is only due to a lack of right understanding! Many who have gotten separated have gotten back together in this way. I fix it for them. It gets repaired, it gets settled. When ‘we’ repair it, they get back together. ‘We’ know that there is this mistake here and this mistake here. So ‘we’ repair it. Many have been fixed this way. They need to be put inside a ‘tumbling barrel’. Once they are put in a ‘tumbling barrel’ and spun, all their rough edges collide repeatedly and break.

Don’t you think that this is something to think about? As a good person, why don’t you think about what you are doing? You can still improve. It has not spoiled yet. If it was completely spoiled, then ‘we’ would have told you, “Dig up everything now and sow anew all over again.” It doesn’t need to be demolished yet, it is still good. It needs to be repaired. Don’t they say to do an overhaul? It needs to be overhauled, nothing else. What a good person you are, so how can you have matbhed? When I come next year, you should remove this ‘ghost’ of matbhed!

Can youput up with her for one lifetime or not? Bring about a settlement somehow or the other. She is going to be with you for one life, so should you not bring about a resolution with her? You should make your worldly interactions at home beautiful. The wife should think, ‘I will never find a husband like this,’ and the husband should think, ‘I will never find a wife like this!’ If you can achieve such a state, then what you’re doing is correct! If such an understanding ‘fits’ within, then your entire life will run smoothly.

~ Jai Sat Chit Anand

Should You Improve Her or Adjust?

If you were to adjust to the other person in every aspect, then things would become so straightforward! What are you going to take with you [when you die]?Someone may say, “Straighten her out.” Hey, if you try to straighten her out, then you will end up becoming crooked. Therefore, do not try to straighten out your wife; no matter what she is like, tell her that she is correct. It would be a different matter if you were going to maintain a relationship with her life after life, but who knows where she will be in her next life? You will both die at different times, and your karmasare different! There is nothing to give and nothing to take. Who knows to whom she will go [in her next life] when she leaves from here? You may manage to improve her and, in her next life, she will end up becoming someone else’s wife!

Therefore, do not try to straighten her out. She too, should not try to straighten you out. Whatever you have is as good as gold. No one’s prakruti can ever straighten out. A dog’s tail will always remain crooked. Therefore, you should tread with caution. Let her be however she may be; adjust everywhere.

Your Wife is a Counterweight

Questioner: I try very hard to adjust with my wife, but I am not able to do so.

Dadashri: It is all based on your karmic account. Where you have crooked threads and a crooked nut, if you try to screw a straight nut onto it, then how can that work? You wonder, ‘Why are women like this?’ But women are your counterweights. She will be ‘crooked’ to the extent that you are at fault. And that is indeed why ‘we’ have said that everything is vyavasthit, haven’t ‘we’?

Questioner: It seems as if everyone has come to straighten me out.

Dadashri: You should indeed get straightened out. Without becoming straight, the world will not function, will it? How can you become a [good] father if you don’t straighten out? You can become a [good] father if you straighten out. Women are such that they do not change, so we [men] will have to change. They are reflexive (sahaj); they are not likely to change.

What is a wife?

Questioner: You tell us.

Dadashri: A wife is the counterweight of her husband. If that counterweight was not there, then the husband would fall.

Questioner: I did not understand.

Dadashri: Counterweights are installed in engines, otherwise the engine would break down without these counterweights. In the same way, women are the counterweight of men. With the presence of a wife, he will not fall. Otherwise, he will run around without any purpose. He may be here today, and tomorrow he will be somewhere else. It is because of the wife that he comes home, otherwise would he ever come home?

Questioner: He would not.

Dadashri: The wife is his counterweight.

(From Param Pujya Dadashri’s Gnanvani)